Paragraph Improvement

 

Good sentences make better paragraphs. Watch the video and see how!



  I have a cat.                                     The reader is not sure what to think.




  I have a large ginger cat with big eyes and a long tail.               Writer and reader same

                                                                                                                     Good!




Read these paragraphs and see how they have been improved by adding more information to help the reader.


My Journey To Work (1)

        My journey to work is bad. I leave the house early. I go to the station by bicycle. It takes fifteen minutes. The train is crowded. I feel tired.


It’s okay, but the sentences are too short. Try to put in more details and describe things.


My Journey To Work (2)

        My journey to work is awful. I have to leave the house very early. It takes fifteen minutes to get to the station by bicycle. The train is always very crowded with students and business people. When I get to work, I am exhausted.


That’s better, but it still needs a bit more.


My Journey To Work (3)

       My journey to work is truly awful. I have to leave the house at six in the morning. In the winter, it is still dark, and I feel a little bit afraid. It takes fifteen minutes to get to the station by bicycle. I hate it when it rains as it is difficult to keep dry. The train is always completely crowded with students and business people, so I can never get a seat. Sometimes it is so full that I cannot read my book. The air is smelly and humid because nobody will open a window. When I get to work, I am exhausted, stressed, and ready to go home. To do that of course, I would have to get on the train again.


That is great, interesting and funny!

                                                                                                                       

 


Toilet Horror (1)

        A few years ago, I went fishing near Tokyo. I met a nice guy by the lake, and he asked me to dinner with his family the next weekend. The next Saturday, we had a great meal. Later, I excused myself and went to the restroom. I thought I could hear rain outside, and opened the window to see. When I did this, something fell and broke the toilet. I felt so bad telling them what had happened. I will never forget it.


Good paragraph but, it needs a more information to help the reader visualize and enjoy the story.


Toilet Horror (2)

        A few years ago, I was fishing at Sagami Lake with my girlfriend, just outside Tokyo. We made friends with a guy called Paul, who lived nearby. He invited us for dinner the next weekend at his home. On Saturday evening, we went by motorbike to his house, where his wife had made some delicious dishes. After the meal, I excused myself and went to the restroom. I thought I could hear it raining outside, so I opened the window to see. As I did that, I knocked something, small but heavy, off the windowsill. There was a loud noise, and when I looked down the toilet was broken. A large V-shaped piece, bigger than my hand had broken off the front of the toilet and was lying on the floor. I could not believe my eyes. I was shocked, I felt like I was having a bad dream and that I would wake up soon, but I didn’t. Could it be fixed, I thought? I held the piece back into place and thought about super glue. No, it would never be fixed. I went downstairs and tried to explain what had happened to Paul. They never invited us again, and I still feel guilty, when I think of it now.

                                        

Download Easy English Writing Step 6 - Paragraph Improvement

                                                                         Grade Rubric Steps 1-6.pdf